That’s Not My Burnout

Are you like me when I read about people who fade away as they age and who don’t have any sense of connection? Do you feel like your feelings are invisible to the earth because you’re experiencing burnout different? Our primary comes through more when stress starts to press down on us. Beautiful, content beings quieten and fade into that remote and distracted stress we’ve all read about. But some of us, those with fires constantly burning on the sides of our key, getting hotter. I am a fire in my brain. In an effort to overcome fatigue, I twice down, triple down, burn hotter and hotter in an effort to overcome the challenge. I don’t fade— I am engulfed in a passionate stress.

What on earth is a passionate stress, then?

Envision a person who is determined to accomplish everything. She has two wonderful children whom she, along with her father who is also working mildly, is homeschooling during a crisis. She works for a lot of clients, all of whom she enjoys. She wakes up early to get some movement in ( or frequently catch up on work ), prepares dinner as the kids are having breakfast, and works while positioning herself near “fourth grade” to listen in as she balances clients, tasks, and budgets. Sound like a bit? It works well with a friendly group at home and at work.

Sounds like this person needs self-care because she has too much on her disk. But no, she doesn’t have occasion for that. She begins to feel as though she’s dropping pellets. Not enough is achieved. There’s not enough of her to be here and that, she is trying to divide her head in two all the time, all day, every day. She begins to question herself. And as those feelings grow more in, her domestic tale grows more and more important.

Instantly she KNOWS what she needs to accomplish! She ought to do more.

This loop is challenging and risky. Understand why? Because when she doesn’t complete that new purpose, the story will only get worse. She immediately starts failing. She isn’t doing much. She is insufficient. She does fail, she might refuse her family, but she’ll discover more to do. She doesn’t nap as much, proceed because much, all in the attempts to do more. Trying to prove herself to herself, but always succeeding in any endeavor. Always feeling “enough”

But, yeah, that’s what zealous burnout looks like for me. It doesn’t develop immediately in a great gesture; it develops gradually over the course of several weeks and months. Not a man losing concentration, but rather a burning out approach that seems to be speeding up. I rate up and up and up… and therefore I simply quit.

I am the only person who has the potential.

The things that shape us are interesting. Through the camera of youth, I viewed the worries, problems, and sacrifices of someone who had to make it all work without having much. I never went without and also received an extra here or there because my mom was so competent and my father was so friendly.

Growing up, I didn’t feel shame when my mom gave me food postcards; in fact, I would have likely sparked debates about the subject, orally eviscerating anyone who dared to criticize the disabled person who was attempting to ensure all of our needs were met with so little. As a child, I watched the way the worry of not making those ends meet impacted persons I love. Because I was” the one who was” make our lives a little easier, I would take on many of the physical things in my house as the non-disabled people. I soon realized that putting more of myself into it was linked to fears or confusion; I am the one who does. I learned first that when something frightens me, I may double down and work harder to make it better. I am in charge of the problem. I’ve been told that I seem brave when people have seen this in me as an adult, but make no mistake, I’m no. If I seem courageous, it’s because this behavior was forged from another person’s fears.

And here I am, surrounded by enormous tasks ahead of me, assuming that I am the one who is and therefore should, more than 30 times afterward, still feeling the urge to aimlessly drive myself forward. I feel more motivated to show that I can make things happen if I put in more effort, put on more responsibilities, and do more.

I do not see people who struggle financially as failures, because I have seen how strong that tide can be—it pulls you along the way. I truly believe I have had the opportunity to avoid many of the difficulties that came with my youth. Having said that, I continue to believe that she should and am still” the one who can.” As a result, I would think I’ve failed if I had to struggle to make ends meet for my own family. Though I am supported and educated, most of this is due to good fortune. However, I’ll give myself the haughtiness of claiming that my choices were wise and that they had sparked that luck. My sense of self is the result of the notion that I am” the one who can” and feel compelled to accomplish the most. I can choose to stop, and with some quite literal cold water splashed in my face, I’ve made the choice to before. However, I don’t always choose to stop, so I move on, driven by a fear that is so present in me that I hardly ever notice until I’m completely worn out.

So why all the history? You see, burnout is a fickle thing. Over the years, I have read and heard a lot about burnout. Burnout is present. Especially now, with COVID, many of us are balancing more than we ever have before—all at once! It’s challenging, and so many amazing professionals are affected by the avoidance, the shutting down, and the procrastination. There are significant articles that, in my opinion, relate to the majority of people around, but not me. That’s not what my burnout looks like.

The perilous invisibility of zealous burnout

The extra hours, extra work, and overall focused commitment are often viewed as an asset in many workplaces ( and occasionally that’s all it is ). They see someone trying to rise to challenges, not someone stuck in their fear. Many well-intentioned organizations have measures in place to safeguard their employees from burnout. However, in situations like this, those alarms don’t always ring, and some organization members are surprised and depressed when the inevitable stop happens. And sometimes maybe even betrayed.

When it comes to parenting, which is more so when it comes to working, participating in after-school activities, practicing self-care in the form of diet and exercise, and still meeting with friends for coffee or wine, it is more often said that mothers are praised as being so on top of it all. Many of us watched endless streaming COVID episodes to see how challenging the female protagonist is, but she is strong, funny, and capable of doing it. It’s a “very special episode” when she breaks down, cries in the bathroom, woefully admits she needs help, and just stops for a bit. Truth be told, countless people are hidden in tears or doom-scrolling to escape. Although we are aware that the media is a lie to amuse us, the perception that it’s what we should strive for frequently permeates much of society.

Women and burnout

I cherish men. And even though I don’t love every man ( heads up, I don’t love every woman or nonbinary person either ), I believe there is a wonderful range of people who fit that particular binary gender.

That said, women are still more often at risk of burnout than their male counterparts, especially in these COVID stressed times. Mothers at work feel the pressure to do everything while giving absolutely everything. Mothers who are not employed feel they need to do more to” justify” their lack of traditional employment. Women who are not mothers often feel the need to do even more because they don’t have that extra pressure at home. It’s so ingrained in our culture and vicious and systemic that we frequently are unaware of how much pressure we place on ourselves and others.

And there are costs that go beyond happiness. Harvard Health Publishing released a study a decade ago that “uncovered strong links between women’s job stress and cardiovascular disease”. According to the CDC,” Heart disease is the leading cause of death for women in the United States, killing 299,578 women in 2017—or roughly 1 in every 5 female deaths,”

According to what I’ve read, this connection between work stress and health is more dangerous for women than it is for their non-female counterparts.

But what if your burnout isn’t like that either?

That might not be you either. After all, we are all unique, and so is our way of responding to stress. It’s part of what makes us human. Don’t put too much emphasis on how burnout looks; instead, learn to recognize it in yourself. What are a few questions I occasionally ask my friends if they worry about them.

Are you happy? You should ask yourself this straightforward question first. Even if you’re burning out doing all the things you love, chances are you’ll just stop enjoying yourself as much as you do.

Do you feel empowered to say no? I’ve observed in myself and others that when someone is going out, they no longer feel like they can say no to things. Even those who don’t” speed up” feel pressured to say “yes” to avoid apprehension.

What are three things you’ve done for yourself? Another fact to keep in mind is that we all have a tendency to stop doing things for ourselves. anything from avoiding conversations with friends to skipping showers and eating poorly. These can be red flags.

Are you using justifications? Many of us make an effort to avoid feeling worn out. Over and over I have heard,” It’s just crunch time”,” As soon as I do this one thing, it will all be better”, and” Well I should be able to handle this, so I’ll figure it out”. And it might actually be crunch time, a single objective, and/or a set of skills you need to master. Life happens because of that. BUT if this doesn’t stop, be honest with yourself. If you’ve worked more than 50 hours of work since January, then perhaps it’s not crunch time; perhaps it’s a bad situation you’re finding yourself in.

Do you have a method for overcoming this feeling? If something is truly temporary and you do need to just push through, then it has an exit route with a
defined end

Take the time to listen to your friend in the same way. Be honest, allow yourself to be uncomfortable, and break the thought cycles that prevent you from healing.

So what do we do now?

What I just described is a different path to burnout, but it’s still burnout. There are well-established approaches to working through burnout:

• Get enough sleep.
• Eat well.
• Work out.
• Leave the house.
• Take a break, please.
• Overall, practice self-care.

I find those challenging because they seem like more chores. Doing any of the above for me feels like a waste if I’m in the burnout cycle. The narrative is that if I’m already failing, why would I take care of myself when I’m dropping all those other balls? People need me, don’t they?

Your inner voice might already be pretty bad if you’re deeply in the cycle. If you need to, tell yourself you need to take care of the person your people depend on. Use your roles to help make healing easier by defending the time you spend working on you if they are pushing you toward burnout.

I have come up with a few things that I do when I start to feel like I’m going into a zealous burnout to help me remember the airline attendant advice to put the mask on yourself first.

Cook an elaborate meal for someone!

Okay, since I’m a “food-focused” person, I’ve always been a fan. In my home, there are countless tales of people coming into the kitchen, turning right, and leaving when they noticed I was” chopping angrily.” But it’s more than that, and you should give it a try. Seriously. If you don’t feel like giving time for yourself, do it for someone else. Most of us work in a digital world, so cooking can fill all of your senses and force you to be in the moment with all the ways you perceive the world. It can help you get a better perspective and help you get out of your head. I’ve been known to pick a location on a map and prepare food that comes from it ( thank you, Pinterest ) in my home. I love cooking Indian food, as the smells are warm, the bread needs just enough kneading to keep my hands busy, and the process takes real attention for me because it’s not what I was brought up making. And ultimately, we all triumph!

Vent like a sniveling jerk.

Be careful with this one!

Over the past few years, I have made an effort to practice more gratitude, and I am aware of the benefits that are really present. Having said that, sometimes you just need to let it all out, even the ugly ones. Hell, I’m a big fan of not sugarcoating our lives, and that sometimes means that to get past the big pile of poop, you’re gonna wanna complain about it a bit.

When that is required, approach a trusted friend and express your concerns verbally. You must have faith in this friend not to judge you, to feel your pain, and, most importantly, to advise you to get your cranium removed from your own rectal cavity. Seriously, it’s about getting a reality check here! One of the things I admire most about my husband is how he can simplify things down to their simplest bits, despite often after the fact. We’re spending our lives together, and I can’t wait to get over it. I’m so grateful for his words of dedication, love, and acceptance of me. It also, of course, has meant that I needed to remove my head from that rectal cavity. Again, those are typically appreciated in retrospect.

Grab a book, please!

There are many books out there that aren’t so much self-help as they are people just like you sharing their stories and how they’ve come to find greater balance. You might discover something that resonates with you. Among the titles that have stood out to me are:

• Thrive by Arianna Huffington
• Tim Ferriss ‘ book Tools of Titans
• Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis
• Dare to Lead by Brené Brown

Or, a tactic I enjoy using is to read or listen to a book that is NOT related to my work-life balance. The following books helped me balance out after I’ve read them because my mind was pondering the subjects ‘ interesting points rather than circling them:

• The Drunken Botanist by Amy Stewart
• Darin Olien’s Superlife
• A Brief History of Every Person Who Ever Lived by Adam Rutherford
• Gaia’s Garden by Toby Hemenway

Choose a topic on YouTube or subscribe to a podcast if you don’t enjoy reading. In addition to learning about raising chickens and ducks, I’ve watched countless permaculture and gardening topics. For the record, I do not have a particularly large food garden, nor do I own livestock of any kind… yet. I just find the subject fascinating, and it is unrelated to anything that needs to be done in my life.

Give yourself a break.

You are never going to be perfect—hell, it would be boring if you were. It’s acceptable to have flaws and imperfections. Being tired, depressed, and worried is human nature. It’s OK to not do it all. Although being imperfect is terrifying, you cannot be brave without being fearful.

This is the most crucial part: give yourself permission to NOT do it all. You never promised to be everything to everyone at all times. We are stronger than the anxieties that motivate us.

This is challenging. It is hard for me. That it’s okay to stop is what inspired me to write this. It’s acceptable that you have to stop an unhealthy habit that could even help you and those around you. You can still be successful in life.

We are all eulogizing how we live, according to a recent article I read. What will your professional accomplishments say, knowing that yours won’t be mentioned in that speech? What do you want it to say?

Look, I get it that none of these concepts will “fix it,” which is not their intention. Only how we react to the things around us is what we control. These suggestions are to help stop the spiral effect so that you are empowered to address the underlying issues and choose your response. Most of the time, I find these to be effective. They might be able to help you.

Does this sound familiar?

If something sounds familiar, you are not alone. Don’t let your sluggish self-talk tell you that you “even burn out wrong.” It’s not wrong. Even if I’m rooted in fear like my own drivers, I think this need to do more comes from a place of love, determination, motivation, and other wonderful qualities that contribute to your incredible persona. We’re going to be fine, you see. The lives that unfold before us might never look like that story in our head—that idea of “perfect” or “done” we’re looking for, but that’s OK. Really, when we stop and look around, usually the only eyes that judge us are in the mirror.

Do you recall the Winnie the Pooh cartoon in which Pooh ate so much at Rabbit’s house that his buttocks couldn’t fit through the door? It came as no surprise when he abruptly declared that this was unacceptable because I already associate a lot with Rabbit. But do you recall what happened next? He made the most of the large butt in his kitchen by placing a shelf across poor Pooh’s ankles and decorations on his back.

We are resourceful and aware that we can push ourselves when we are needed, even when we are exhausted to the core or have a ton of clutter in our room. None of us has to be afraid, as we can manage any obstacle put in front of us. And maybe that means we need to redefine success in order to make room for comfort in human nature, but that doesn’t really sound so bad either.

So, if you’re anywhere right now, take a deep breath. Do what you need to do to get out of your head. Give thanks and be considerate.